My Battle Scars
No matter how much my body shifts or changes, I will always have battle scars to remind me of the disease that took over my body without asking me first. No amount of exercise, creams, lotions or oils will diminish the wreckage of stretch marks I have accumulated over the years due to what plagued my body.
In the beginning, I used to loath those awful red lines that took away my youth and forever labeled me as one of those fat girls. But those red lines went much deeper and not only seared my skin, but seared my soul.
At the peak of my illness, my stretch marks burned like fire on my skin. I no longer had the freedom to wear what I wanted. My clothing was dictated by these lines that were taking over my body. Bathing suits quickly became a thing of the past, shorts were no longer on option - as were most dresses. The clothing that made me feel feminine now made me feel like I was a prisoner in my own skin.
I didn’t want to face the realities of what my body was becoming. I couldn’t figure out what was happening to me - to my body - why, I just wanted to know WHY.
It’s been almost one year since I loathed the scars left by stretch marks. I think I’ve finally laid that war to rest. These red lines are no longer red - they’ve begun to fade to a soft pink. Maybe the color will fade completely, I don’t know?
These lines that cover my body no longer control me. I can look in the mirror and like what I see. These scars are a reminder on the challenges I’ve overcome - that we as Cushing’s survivors have overcome.
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6 comments
Kristin,
Oh dear Kristin, Its your inner beauty that counts, not those ugly blemishes. You know what… put that dress or bathing suit on, and hold your head up high girl, us “cushers” have nothing to be ashamed of.
Sincerely Laurie
Thank you Laurie - your comment brought tears to my eyes. And you’re right - there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Hi Kristin, I’ve been reading your blog in its entirety until this point. I’m a year ahead of you on the recovery from Cushing’s. Our stories are nearly identical. I was a superfit twentysomething girl who suddenly began gaining weight and having lots of health problems in my late 20s. It took me eight years and several doctors to figure out it was Cushing’s. By that point my body was wrecked.
This post touched me because you’re right - you are forever changed. I know the frustration you must have seeing the stretch marks. For me, it’s stretch marks, loose skin, and dingy grey teeth (cortisol messes up your teeth and gums).
The recovery is long and emotional. Lately I have told myself: it’s okay to be angry. Because it’s not really my character. But I think about how I had to look sloppy and feel physically terrible and mentally unstable at a time in my life when everything was starting to happen for me: love, career, etc.
I’m not a negative person but this year the excitement of discovering I had the disease and getting the surgery and then the following agony of spending a year crying with no energy (recovering from the surgery and in my case the two follow-up surgeries to remove the infection my surgeon gave me) has all been replaced with deliberating over the reality of it all. There is a bit of “Why me?”
I wish it never happened. But I’m trying to make the best of it all.
I wish the best for you and I urge you to stay strong.
[...] and there was an answer to what had happened to my body, I still felt ashamed of the scars that covered my body. But as the months have passed and I’ve grown into my new skin, I have begun to make peace [...]
I know this disease. I’m convinced I’m suffering with it now as I type this. I have every symptom.
The shame you explain is on the mark. But, also, the exhaustion is unbearable. Nothing is good in life, or feels good, I’m too tried, and too tired. I walk down my hallway and I”m out of breath as if I ran a 10 mile run- It’s miserable. I have 4 daughters, one of which is severely autistic who needs my care 24/7 days a week, I can’t go on this way and be there for her as well.. Something has to be done.
Just today, I put in the symptoms (moon face, exhaustion, weight gain) in google search and came up with this “cushing’s syndrome.” Now, I think I know! I think I realize now, it wasn’t me all this time.. but something beyond my power all along..
I will be seeing a Dr, and I now will not walk so ashamed.. at least in my own right.
thanks,
Shankster
Hi again, i felt the need to leave another comment after reading even more of your site and the comments left here by others and what they’ve gone through or are going through with cushings. Reading all of this just feels so familiar and it brought such comfort to hear it from others going through the same thing. I’ve had stretch marks covering my entire torso and arms since I was 14 and i understand too well the feeling of being trapped by your skin and still going through adolesence and trying to fit in and not have others say I must of been pregnant or other things. Its a constant struggle with yourself and affects you more than others may realise. Hearing all the wonderful and supportive things people are saying here is so fantastic and I sincerly wish everyone well and good luck in the future.
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